How To Stop Being A Victim - Part 2
By Leo Gura - May 23, 2016 | 69 Comments
What all victims fail to understand.
Shahar says: I never look at life the same way since I found you… You are my inspiration!
Thank you for everything and keep doing what you do
Ser says: Hi leo, do you ever play the lottery? do you think people who believe in luck are victims? those who hope one day will win the lottery and that will solve all their problems? Cause I think it’s all about the good luck and bad luck. it’s how you were born. There are people out there who are born with all the chances in the world and they have no “chance” to ever fail. They’ve got it all from the very start.
Hi, I think you are kind of right here, though that’s just life, some have to work harder to achieve the goal then others, but still it’s the mindset you are living in since a person born in a rich family who doesn’t work hard for anything, leaves everything behind besides his money – do you think he is fulfilled in life?
chris says: those people will severly lack awareness and mindfulness
Gail says: Leo, intellectually all you say grabs me, but as bad as i want it, why is my mind not applying it.
Leo Gura says: Because you aren’t serious about living.
eva says: thanks Leo, appreciate about all the vedios you uploaded.
Richard says: Leo, this is what I am just in the middle of working on in my life.
My victim mentality centers around my business and not being able to attract enough new clients. I would like to talk to you about this.
I am starting to deal with inner passivity and helplessness…its quite ugly but it is true and hard to face. But the truth can set you free…right ! I would like to hear back from you. I am interested in how to go about establishing a different path in my life.
I see the mind being deceptive and trying to take me off the right path. Why does our own mind work against us ? Why ?
I do have self limiting beliefs
Gail says: What is the first step in becoming serious about living, after beng conscious?
Leo Gura says: Contemplate your own death and the shortness of life.
Jeff says: This is so powerful. “Die while you’re alive”. What if I only had one month to live? I took this on both mentally and physically. The thoughts, feelings and emotions surrounding it. As well as the tangible aspect. Who would I miss, what would I miss (wrote-out my will). Considered the 5 senses with every step I took through-out the day: touch, sight, hear, smell and taste. It allowed me to truly understand appreciation and have gratitude for “all things”. I’m no longer capable of walking past a flower without admiring its beauty. A bird sitting on my window seal. It further helped me in purging all things that no longer served me. (people, places & things). Taking on a life of minimalism. So powerful!
Philip Henderson says: An interesting exercise when people are running around like headless chickens and expecting all sorts of things is to pretend to be dead.
Gail says: Leo, will you be my mentor, no one understands. I feel i can change. With your support. You are amazng.
Leo Gura says: Follow the videos. All the guidance you need is there.
Mary says: I did the exercise and I got the insight that 1) I’m afraid of being independent and letting go of my family’s support 2) I’m afraid of taking risks 3) I’m afraid of being alone and having no friends 4) I’m afraid of losing time (I’m 23) 5) More importantly I’m scared of believing in myself.
I still don’t know how to get rid of this mindset. It feels like I’ll stay stuck forever.
By the way I am meditating ( But it’s kinda half-ass and it’s only been a short time)
Michelle says: I feel you. Been struggling with the exact same thing myself. Curious about the answer of Leo.
Leo Gura says: Get on the self-actualization bandwagon: watch more videos, implement more habits, read more books, etc.
You don’t need to know all the HOW-TO. You just need to trust the process a bit.
Mary says: But what if this also won’t work either? What if I stayed miserable forever?
Is this process a sure thing to gain results?
I’m having a lot of negative thoughts. It’s hard to work effectively like that.
Leo Gura says: And what if your what-iffing is going to keep you miserable forever?
Sounds like your process is a guaranteed way to stay stuck.
Marc Solzan says: Un-fucking-believable! Really good shit!
THANK YOU!!!!!!
An says: Guineapig be gone
Sandra says: Stop holding back Leo say it as it is lol…. painful but sooo true. The hardest thing is being honest with yourself forget every body else be your own best friend, after all you would want your best friend to be honest with you.
Sandra from the UK.
Elif says: Hello Leo,
Does unconscious mind always create problems? I mean, is that always the case? And if it is, what’s the use? What is the benefit?
Thank you.
Leo Gura says: No, it also keeps you alive. You just don’t pay much attention to things unless they are “bad” or bothersome.
Elif says: Oh! I am being a victim when I say that unconscious mind is responsible for creating problems!
Linda says: Leo, please could you do a vid on developing self esteem when having Aspergers. How to get rid of poor self image through lack of social ability. There is a physical reason (the way my brain is formed) for my poor social skills. I’ve spent twenty or thirty years practising. It’s getting me nowhere.
Leo Gura says: I’m not an expert on that.
I would do lots of research if I were you. Solutions are out there.
Francisco says: For 11 years I’ve been trying to build up a successful business. Zero results and 100 bucks in my bank account.
I’ve invested in courses, books, positive thinking, and been watching videos from mentors like you.
So, you tell me this shouldn’t be considered a problem and that’s ok. I don’t want to become a victim.
What should I do? How my way of thinking should be?
Leo Gura says: Clearly you’re missing something fundamental. If a strategy isn’t working after a while, you gotta adapt and change it. Learn from all your failures. Doesn’t sound like you’re being strategic enough or pragmatic enough with your business ideas. You have to actually test the marketplace to see what people are willing to pay for. It’s not enough to just create good ideas. Your ideas have to be needed by large numbers of people.
Try finding at least one thing/service that you know people REALLY need. Not airy-fairy luxury BS, but a real tangible burning need! Like food, sex, money, shelter, water, surgery, medicine, etc.
Francisco says: I have always been adapting and changing my ideas. But as you said, I must do better research on finding a real solution to a problem.
Hard work waiting to be done. Thanks for your feedback.
Leo Gura says: So why have you been failing?
Take a deep honest look into that question. Business is not rocket science. If you haven’t succeeded in 11 years, something very basic is off-kilter, or you’re the most unluckiest guy on the planet.
Francisco says: It’s difficult to answer that question. Some thoughts come into my mind…
After putting a lot of effort and knowledge on business opportunities and then failing, I feel like the unluckiest guy on the planet.
But then a multimillionaire mentor says “dont give up”…”takes a lot failures to reach your biggest goal” “failures = learning”, then I feel feel like the luckiest guy on the planet.
I’m launching a new biz based on what I’ve learned, hope this will be the inflection point.
Sweety Temple says: Thank you for making it easy.It is an ordeal and at the same time a constant decission. Thank you so much!
neil byrne says: hey leo, be a vegetarian because eating meat is sick
Dr Ron says: Today, I heard such words to allow me a hand, a help, a guide to intricately preform a procedure upon my conscience. I took my mind and unraveled the deeply bound ribbons that once covered this ugly menace and now the pretty ribbons dislodged reveal a tortuous brain sweating every type of pain producing slime and repulsive stench. Wonderfully this unravel produced the internal vision of hope never previously considered. Now before me is revealed the pleasure of life and liberty. Never will I look back for the answers so conveniently found inside the broken record of a brain. This man ever so ready to stand will crawl, walk, then run away from the internal facade for step by step and piece by piece this bizarre house dismantled.
Outi says: Ive always been aware of the fact that my inner world is holding me back when things go wrong.There is no doubt about the fact that my own mind is what matters, not the world around me. But what matters in my mind is my subconcsious. So it really is no help if I analyze these things and agree to what you say. Because I do. But it seems that my subconscious doesnt agree, and the subconscious is the inner world, not my conscious thoughts, beliefs, my analyzing, my spending time thinking, and understanding this and that. The inner world isnt my thoughts, its my subconscios. So I dont see a way to control my inner world.
Leo Gura says: Much of what’s in the unconscious can become conscious. That is the point of doing all this inner work. You become more and more conscious through careful and honest investigation of your beliefs, habits, behaviors, patterns of thinking, etc.
You can become so conscious that even things like physical pain stop being physical pain, or physical reality stops appearing solid. Any personal issues or limitations you have can be resolved long before that.
Vicky says: Leo, I have the problem you spoke of (being hit from behind and in pain for 40 years) I have substantial damage to my back and there are things out there that can temporarily or slightly reduce the pain. But I have been looking for a solution for years. I was so excited when I heard about the laser surgery but was sadly disappointed because they do not accept insurance and it is very expensive. I have been reading and watching videos on many self help subjects. This one seems to be the one I need the most help with. I am stuck between the victim and the fighter I think. I have been depressed for most of those 40 years and the pain has prevented me from leading the life i want to live.
Where do I go from this video? Is there a #3
Thank you for all you do!
Leo Gura says: If you’re looking for a solution to chronic pain, then you gotta start practicing mindfulness meditation. It’s the best solution when all else fails. I have a video on that.
Also check out Shinzen Young’s Vipassana retreats and teachings. He’s shown a lot of people how to deal with chronic pain using mindfulness.
Seb says: Heyyyy Leo, amazing job as always.
I am currently in a small dilemma and I was hoping to get your insight.
I understand that problems are a construction of the mind. Its almost like us fearing problems is the equivalent of us fear unexpected change in our lives. So problems are neither good or bad, just a step towards whatever we want to achieve. Also, the emotions we get from problems are not necessarily negative, they just are. So on one hand I can see detachment being extremely beneficial. However, the more I do this, I feel like I am detaching more and more from my personal-agenda. I start coming up with questions like: Why am I running my business? and What is the point of training for this upcoming marathon? All the enjoyment I get from those activities I can find anytime. It is like I get the same enjoyment I get from making my business grow than from washing my dishes or using the bathroom. All your videos are making me so conscious that I am losing ambition because I feel that all I will ever need is in the present moment. So, in the past 3-4 months I have been working a lot less and I have been spending most of my time just sitting around contemplating, meditating, reading your book list, thinking, trying to achieve enlightenment (really close to what you described in your lifestyle minimalism video)
However, as a result, my business has stopped growing (which is all good by the way) and I haven’t been going out much. Part of me wants to reduce my standard of living so that I have more time to just be. So this is the question I wanted to ask you. Should we aim to increase our standard of living while decreasing our needed standard of living or should we give more value to having free- time, in other words, not changing or decreasing our standard of living while simultaneously decreasing our needed standard of living? What do you intuit gives us more fulfillment- taking into account that one might not be ready to lower their standard of living?
Brett Miller says: Leo,
Another great video. My ego was telling me: “You don’t need all this beginner advice, you aren’t a ‘victim'”.
…but then you started listing off common excuses, and I found quotes from my monkey mind all through them. Thanks! And sorry for letting my ego blab all over your great Awareness page. Still happens sometimes.
Sanna says: Thank you Leo. I hope you know how well you communicate . And I appreciate your passion . I loved this video it has taken me a long time to finally be ready for this very important foundational concept. It’s so true and I’m excited at the possibility of some relief from my self limiting life. Again thank you and I hope you continue to bring us this information.
Uldis says: Till now I was sure that knowing is better than believing. I was wrong.
I knew that inner defines outer long ago maybe for some 15 years.
But, as I started to raise my consciousness by meditation, I discovered that I do not use this knowledge. Every time something unpleasant happened, I automatically blamed outside circumstances.
And today, listening to Leo’s video, I did one little thing, I pretend for a moment that inside world is only thing that happens. I allowed myself to feel this and suddenly world changed.
All my outer problems are not mine anymore.
Inside me there are no problems, only tasks that I want to do.
Now I believe.
So on point, so relative and eye opening. I thought I was quite evolved, turns out I’ve just been fumbling round in the dark. Looking forward to learning more
Lena says: Leo, thank you for another great video. I was wondering if you could make a video on the nature of having a crush on someone. Why am I prone to idealizing other people based on what I see. I remember from one of your videos that having someone on a pedestal means that you do not believe in your own internal power. I would love to see your view of this subject.
Tc says: That was profound. You are a true psychologist
Joe says: AWesome Leo! Good things are going to happen in your life ‘you aint seen nothin yet’ You are loved
Tc says: This is some deep shit
M says: Leo, I’m afraid of losing you, brother.
I can’t explain… what a weird fucking feeling.
Ragnar says: How to download video ?
Leo Gura says: There is no official path for downloading videos.
You can download the audio by creating an Actualized.org account.
Marian says: Hi Leo, I did the exercise and have hit a brick wall. All my life I have been scared that people won’t like or approve of me. I’ve tried being nice but it doesn’t work. Now I am unfriendly and aggressive and assume the worst. This works for me inasmuch as I avoid the pain of rejection which is easier the deal with than the pain of loneliness. If i show my true personality than people treat me like a victim and take advantage of me. My belief is that people naturally prey on,take advantage of and try to dominate weak and sensitive souls. I don’t think you can deny that this is so.
Leo Gura says: Then stop being a weak and sensitive soul.
Of course people will sometimes take advantages of you. Welcome to life! Why should it matter?
Marian says: I don’t usually open up like that and reading it back today well it does come across as rather pathetic. Even so I have been watching your latest video and by associating your ‘hole in the ocean’ with my ‘hitting a brick wall’ there has been some – can I say ‘enlightenment’. Still love ya loads Leo and appreciate all the wonderful sage advice you put out there for everyone. Bless you Brother xxx
Bart Haddon says: Hi Leo,
Your work is very supporting to me in live. Real ‘eye openers’ and ‘live changing’ words. !
Keep up the good work.
Bart Haddon
The Netherlands
Luc says: Hi Leo,
I have Crohn’s disease since I was 14, now I’m 41. As a result of that I became depressive. And later, I don’t know how or why, I developed OCD and extreme anxiety of failure. I know all these things are holding me back of living the life I want. I can’t work, my relationships don’t last, decision making is a hell, because I always keep on thinking: what if… even after I took the decision (I’m a pro in that ). I give up before I even started or I start something and give up later on. I know after all these years that I created a lot of these problems myself. I just don’t know how I created them and I also don’t know how to solve them. One problem that isn’t solveable in my eyes is the problem that the Crohn’s disease is making me physically tired, that’s something I can’t change by changing my thinking, right ? And how about the rest, the OCD and anxiety of failure ? Probably you will tell me that failure is part of life and I agree to that, but what if everything fails ?
I still need to watch a lot of your videos, so maybe I’ll find some answers on my questions after doing that…
Anyways, thanks for sharing your knowledge with the rest of the world !
Leo Gura says: It’s not that every problem is solvable. It’s that every problem is dissolvable. That’s a very big difference.
Notice that you are still expecting your problems to be solved, externally. And that’s exactly what makes you depressed. Because as soon as run into something that’s not solvable externally, you’re screwed. But that expectation is the real problem.
Search for Sean Stevenson on Youtube and watch some of his videos to shift perspective.
Luc says: Thanks Leo for the answer. There are some things I do not totally understand because English is not my mother tongue. For example: what’s the difference between solvable and dissolvable.
But you’re right that I have always been expecting that the solution to all my problems lies in the outside world, that there is one person or pill that can solve everything for me, that I just have to find that “magical” solution. And although I know that it doesn’t exist, I keep on searching for it.
It’s strange, but it’s like the two sides of my brain are constantly fighting against each other. One part knows what I should do to overcome the problems, but the other part tells me that that this isn’t going to work and makes me believe that there’s no way to get out of this vicious circle…
I will take a look at Sean Stevenson’s videos, thanks for the tip !
Ming says: Thank you so much for your generosity!
I am a huge fan!
Sarah says: Hey Leo,
I must’ve watched this video 3 or 4 times since it came out, but just now sat down and actually worked through each of the questions.. And now I’m going through a kindof “oh shiiit” moment.
I used my problems getting into a good serious relationship as my example because I have a track record with being attracted to the ‘asshole’ type and letting them pretty much walk all over me. The relationship would take a bad turn after a few weeks/months and I’d end up blowing up on the guy, ending it and looking completely nuts. In my head I always thought he was the dick, but going through this exercise made me realize that I’m the one who got into the relationship and I’m the one who didn’t speak up when I was getting pushed around, or effectively communicated how I was feeling. And then I realized I would do all that in an attempt to avoid confrontation. I equate confrontation to the relationship ending. And what’s worse, I put the relationship working out ahead of me expressing my own needs and feelings
This last insight really threw me off because I’m pretty confident in other areas of my life and have no problem speaking up if I feel wronged, so it’s pretty alarming that I would avoid confrontation with men that I like for the sake of ensuring they still like me. Any thoughts on the part III of this video series? i don’t even want to bother with another relationship until I have this handled
Thanks
Leo Gura says: That’s classic people-pleasing.
It comes from low self-esteem and low general awareness.
See my videos about Self Esteem and How To Stop Caring What Others Think Of You.
Upping your self-esteem is the key. And learning how to set and enforce boundaries.
Hi Leo, Its always like im trying to grasp the awarenes mostly when people are talking and im in a public speach situation. The more I try to grasp it the bigger small obstacle seem to be. Can be there improovement?
I really try sometimes and ive been on a therapy because ive been slaped
couple times when I was young. So what I really want is to
Take so much attention so I can compete with the people and be even more
relaxed and even more fluent and kind a rascal racer to fight and reach some
good resluts. I think your kind of education is like lack of feedback sometimes.
So I would like to believe its not just a kind of a promise.
Diane says: Just discovered your website and absolutely loving your videos! They are very substantive and majorly helpful! Looking forward to learning more and more and applying all that I learn to free myself from areas where I have been stuck for a very long time!! One of my greatest obstacles has been grief and loss, and not having any parents or grandparents to guide & support me in life. Now I have a daughter who’s 11 years old and she is feeling this “lack” too! Seems everywhere we look people have parents and grandparents, and even aunts and uncles who rally around, support, guide and cheer them on, and cherish them! Instead of generational support in our lives, we have a huge canyon behind us – where did everyone go; is there anyone out there? I want to be empowered in this area of my life so that I can know more freedom & joy, and maximize my potential, and so that my daughter can also be empowered in her life! THANK YOU, Leo!!!!!
Anirban says: Leo, I have been watching this video over and over again for the last few days but I just don’t get it.
I had watched your How to not be a victim video over a year ago and I really got motivated to take control of my life. I have also been meditating for the last 5 months daily. But recently a lot of doubts started coming up in my head and I become judgemental and I also started demonizing a lot of people whom I didn’t like. I started becoming toxic and too concerned about morality.
Now I am trying to be mindful whenever I start judging. But I am stuck in victim thinking. I am watching this video but I am not believing it. How do I move on?
Leo Gura says: Yes, backsliding will happen.
Just keep doing your practices. Keep learning. Keep planning for the future.
Doubts will arise. But why should that stop you? Keep moving forward.
farhad davaripour says: Thanks for your amazing video!
Sarah Z says: I have experienced seeing the internal side of me as the source of most of my problems. But it makes me dislike myself, not able to deal with myself, put me in a “feedback loop from hell”. This makes me kind of dysfunctional.
It is so damn hard to see me weak and not almost hate myself.
Jeff says: Incredibly powerful. Thank you, brother. You are one of my mentors now and on a prestigious list. Appreciate you and in love with your mind.